We all have those days. You know the ones. When nothing goes as planned, and there's no moment of redemption that suddenly wipes out all of the grief and aggravation.
That's today at my house.
Son #2 woke up on the wrong side of the bed, cranky from the moment he opened his eyes. He cried when he had to get dressed. He cried because he didn't want what I gave him for breakfast. Then he cried when his brother took it from him. He cried because I expected him to walk to the car instead of be carried, and he cried that he didn't get to open the door because he was being carried. On and on.
Son #1 amused himself by antagonizing son #2. I didn't find it nearly as entertaining as he did.
Son #1 went off to ESY for yet more summer testing. Our school district finally admitted that they have no data on his academic skills and therefore cannot set measurable annual goals for him for next year. Their way of fixing this is to have a summer teacher test him on every bit of the curriculum from the past two years he has been in school. He has not been enjoying this (go figure). Today he refused to participate in the first math assessment and ended up spending over an hour on what should have taken 15 minutes at most. He repeatedly and purposefully selected the wrong answer. He griped. He yelled for me. He stared into space. He developed an intense interest in everything in reach except the test materials. This kid is cut out for protest work as he grows up. He is stubborn to the extreme and infinitely creative when it comes to devising ways to thwart people.The teacher outlasted him, but it wasn't pretty, and most of today's testing session was a waste. Notably, when they got to something he enjoys, toward the end, he flew through it with 100% accuracy. He is legally blind but flew through sight reading large print words with no trouble, even words that are above his grade level. He could have performed equally well on the first part of the test, when he was doing math, but he chose not to.
It's hard to know how to parent effectively on days like today.
I found myself frustrated with son #2 but able to deal with his tantrums fairly well. He's only 3, after all, and he's testing the waters. He wants to see if he can get everything he wants by having a fit, and today he saw that the answer is "no." He has seen this before, and he will see it again. He will mellow with time and learn that he is part of the family, not the head of it.
Things are more complicated with son #1. He's testing the waters too, but he is seven years old, and he knows better than to act like he did today. I get angry when he does. I don't know what it is about him. He seems to have this fundamental inability to play along with something he doesn't want to do. And it's killing me because the stakes are so high this summer. This is his one chance to prove that he can do grade level work and that he belongs in a general education class in school. Our one saving grace is that unlike previous teachers, his summer teacher understands the difference between can't and won't. She knows what he's doing, and she gets that his refusal to participate on days like today is a product of will rather than a marker of poor academic ability. But that doesn't help in the long run, because without data that demonstrates his school skills, he'll spend yet another being presented with material that is way below him and acting out because he's bored. He'll come to hate school even more than he does now. You see the cycle.
He should not have to prove that he has the right to be in school, but because of his disabilities, he does. He will not be accepted in a regular class without clear proof that he can succeed. And he's not interested in humoring the people who insist that he has to offer proof.
Ick.
What to do? How can I effectively parent a child who seems determined to sabotage his own success, knowing that if I give in to him, his future will be limited in ways that have nothing to do with his disabilities and everything to do with other people's preconceptions?
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